His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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