i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
