You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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