When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
