kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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