I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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