I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
