i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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