I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
