i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
