I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
