Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
