my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
