Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
