Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
