Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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