U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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