i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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