I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
