Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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