problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
