Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
