it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
