I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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