so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
