my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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