ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
