I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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