Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
