I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
