Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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