@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
