i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
