Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i now understand why vodka
I just gargled with NyQuil
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
