soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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