my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
