the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
