If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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