i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm like, not good at living.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
