I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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