Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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