I heard we made out
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
