Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
