How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
