last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
