Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
