party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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