Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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