are you still at the devil's house?
i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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