An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
